Eve of the New Year

As 2010 passes before my eyes, I fondly recall the recent winter solstice and lunar eclipse. It was last seen four hundred years ago. I am taken aback by the magnificence of these two major events occurring together within my lifetime. Celestial events amaze and inspire me. They are magical even while being expected and measured.

When I stop and consider the genuine preciousness of life, I am in total awe. We are so blessed to be on this living, giving planet which I lovingly and gratefully call Mother Earth. She loves and provides for us unconditionally, despite our ignorance and harm. She swirls in the sensual depths of the universe, surrounded by stars and planets. Her orbit is scheduled and specific. Not too much changes for the earth and her orbit. It could seem too defined and maybe a little boring. Somehow I doubt that there is much stagnancy in the universe.

Over the past twelve months there have been a number of times I felt tired and bored with my life, my conditions, my career, etc. I entered into a period of spiritual inertia. When I go to this place it is usually a sign that my life in unbalanced, or what I call being in spiritual disequilibrium. I am either doing too much unnecessary activities, or not doing enough of the essential things. Sometimes if I am not careful, I can call "distractions" into my life. These can come in the form of activities that are unhealthy or unproductive, or they can, for some of us, be addictions (alcohol, drugs, spending, eating, sex, etc.). It is important to stay close to my source during these fallow times of inertia. It is a good time to increase meditation, spiritual reflection, yoga, or spend time in the natural world. If you are in a twelve step program, it is a time to return to the basics. I can attend more meetings and show up early and be of service to newcomers.

The wheel of the year continues to turn, and just like a lunar eclipse, it ends. The days click by, and the years seem to pass by more quickly. I must be alive and active in my own life everyday, even when I am tired of the conditions. It is my responsibility to "act as if" until I can once again feel the joy of being alive and being Julianna.

May the New Year bring you all the joy, health and abundance you desire.
May you find love and the patience to sustain it.
May you be filled with the peace, love and kindness of the divine.
And most of all may you be in peace within your own skin.

On this early morning on January 1, 2011, I am grateful for the freedom, love and peace that fills my heart and hearth. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. It is up to each one of us to make the best of it, and everyday that follows.

Polaris (True North Revolutions), #3237-3239

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: May 17, 2009; Canon 20D; f/5 @ 20 mins, 17 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 17mm.

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Integrity II

The past few months have offered many opportunities to face familiar old demons and fears. As I have been merrily singing another's song I lost the beat to my own.

I followed the worn down path in front, as my face which has been drawn to the ground wearily like an old ripened pear in the lonely orchard.

Marriage offers so much, but really, there is very little.

Solitude has filled my days and nights for the past five years. If you knew me at all, you would know that I live for interactions with PEOPLE.

Regardless, in the solitude, I continue to search for the drum beat back into my own swan song.

Solitary Bench, #2176

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: December 30, 2008; Canon 20D; f/8 @ 1/200 sec; —1 EV; ISO 400; 28mm.

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Integrity

Having integrity in relationship looks different depending on what your personal values are regarding relationship.

I am in a relationship with my husband who's values and beliefs in relationship are very different than my own. We have different pictures, languages and cosmologies about life and love.

We don't have to speak the same language or be moved by the same art to connect at the heart chakra. We simply need to slow down and listen to the other person's dreams and desires.

When I spend time listening to my husband, I realize I know the words to his song. I realize I have been humming that tune for a long, long time.

Columbia Piper, #1605

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: November 15, 2008; Canon 20D; f/5.6 @ 1/100 sec; —2/3 EV; ISO 400; 85mm.

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Ego Inflammation

A common aim in the world of 12-Step programs is to work towards ego deflation. Ego deflation can occur when one is faced with the profound sense of powerlessness over situations and people. It is a psycho-spiritual overcompensation into humility. Humility redirects us back toward the true spiritual aim of detachment.

When I am not taking good care of myself and I become too hungry, angry, lonely or tired I place myself in danger of having a re-emergence of my core issues or, as we call them, "my buttons." These buttons, when treated by the spiritual medicine of the twelve steps, are returned to their natural and functional state. The buttons are once again right-sized.

When my spiritual condition is in disequilibrium my core issue buttons are inflamed. Once inflamed they painfully react to often benign stimuli because my vision is also inflamed. I become angry and defensive. I am attached to the reasons for my buttons. Inflammation, spiritual or physical, is best treated with ice. I have to cool down the area (mind, body, spirit) if I have any hope of overcoming the episode.

Cooling down my own inner state requires detachment and compassion for myself and others. I can sit quietly and still my mind, with the hope of finding deep understanding and therefore compassion for myself and others. Cooling down the area allows for the inflammation to pass, and for the pain to be transformed into compassion. When I care about others from a place of care of Self, I am demonstrating compassion in the largest sense of the word.

Buttons, #6952

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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(EXIF data unavailable; taken circa 2006)

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A Prayer for Sarah Jane

All of life is circle.

Beginnings and endings. It becomes so constant that it's difficult to see exactly when it begins, or where it ends.

We all come to this life in search of the good-trouble, LOVE.

Sarah was my friend. She was the mother of soul sister, Jeanne. She was a grandmother and great-grandmother. She came to this life willing to find the good-trouble.

And, she found it! She created it! She lived it, and she left this life having touched so many with her absolutely feisty passion for life, family and LOVE.

Sarah's daughter Jeanne was inspired to jump into the deep water of love because she experienced her mother safely navigate these waters.

Sarah descended from a strong stock of women. She in turn mothered a strong woman whom I trust with my life and my heart.

There has never been before, nor shall there ever be, a star which twinkles so incandescently and mischievously, shines so proudly or comforts hearts so naturally as did Sarah Jane.

She hasn't really left us. Even now she shines brightly, deep within our hearts, bringing forth the memories we were blessed to share together.

Look up into the October night sky. Find the brightest star with a constant playful twinkle.

Do you see it? That is Sarah Jane.

Call upon her in times of sorrow and grace. She is waiting to shine down upon you and bless you with her good-trouble LOVE.

Just as she demonstrated to us through her own life, follow your dreams, find your North Star and live your life fully. Nothing would make her happier!

The other place I know to find her is at the beach, dancing upon the crashing waves, spraying forth the elixir of life. As the waves roll into shore, I hear her voice and laughter, and I realize she'll dance, swim, sing and love forever.

Sarah Jane, save me a seat, I will be there soon.

Aho!

Bodega Head Surf, #1631

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: October 9, 2010; Canon 20D; f/6.3 @ 1/500 sec; —2/3 EV; ISO 100; 61mm.

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Caring Too Much

Have you ever felt like you cared "too much" about someone? Your child? Your parents? Your friend? Your spouse or significant other?

In the earlier days of my life I thought care for another person meant doing the things for them that they could do for themselves.

I know today that caring means action from a place of love and support, not from a place of control or constraint. My attempts to care for lovers or loved ones where really my own misguided attempts to quell my inner struggle with personal demons of abandonment, loss and death. By focusing on others I could temporarily avoid the sense of bondage I had to my own insanity and cascading emotional decompensation.

In my marriage today I am invited to be "in relationship," everyday. From the altar of "to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish . . ."
We don't marry by accident. We are drawn to the partner who will help us grow into the best person we can be through provoking that which were are most afraid to face.

When I sit in my compassionate heart and allow LOVE to guide my actions I demonstrate devotional care. When my heart and mind are in alignment with God's Will for me, I am blessed to have the "real eyes" to see my husband's love for me through the actions driven by divine motives.

Care is a natural by-product of love. Love is a complex process that takes us deep into our own chambers and may take years to cultivate. A few simple actions can put me on the right path. If I point my compass towards True North, I am bound to find my way.

Sometimes the very best I can do is keep my mouth shut and stay on my side of the street.

Sharon Murriguez, Julianna and James, #7839

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: May 27, 2007; Canon 20D; f/5 @ 1/25 sec; —1/3 EV; ISO 1600; 41mm.

Photographer uncertain; attributed to Eric R. Murriguez

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Rattling the Bones

As we are born into this life, we come in skin wrapped around our ancestors. The bones that compose our bodies link us physically to our ancestors.

Human beings at the most basic level are dermis wrapped around carbon infused with DNA that connects us to the Divine. Within our bones we are connected to the beginning of the world. The dust swirling in the universe since the Big Bang -- which gave birth to the stars -- is the same dust that is encrypted in our bones.

Thus our very skeletons are inescapably intertwined with the eternal substance of all existence. The physical and genetic connection to those who have come before us empower us through their never forgotten wisdom, traditions, magic and stories.

Maturity brings growth. Spiritual and physical growth includes pain. Growing bones bring forth the full knowledge of who we are, based on our very design.

Our bones are at once strong, and fragile. They hold us upright and create our form. They can fuse, fracture, and break.

Our bones heal. They repair, renew and reveal "the ancient way" of carrying ourselves through life.

At death, when we shed our body, the skin decays but the bones linger. Eventually they too return to the Great Mother as dust, ash, and the building blocks of matter.

Rattling the bones of my ancestors brings to life the rhythm of my people. The stories, wisdom and dance of my ancestors is forever available.

Now it is my turn to dance!

I MUST rattle the bones to know my ancestral alchemy because I have a young maiden and daughter who carries within her bones the archetypal and genetic fact of her own magnificence.

Today, I will dance the dance and sing to the songs of my ancestors.

Today, I celebrate myself as a permanent part of my ancestral lineage.

Are you good to your bones?
Are you connected to your history and ancestors?
How does your ancestral connection shape your life purpose?

Make the time in this life to know your ancestors, those living and dead.

Genesis, #0405

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: August 14, 2010; Canon 20D; f/5.6 @ 1/1000 sec; —2/3 EV; ISO 400; 100mm.

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Ask and You Shall Receive

In the world of imagination, anything is possible.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

I am a big believer in the power of dreams.

Dreams are doorways to the collective unconscious. Yes, that means when we dream, we swim in the lake of abundant creation.

Dreams present opportunities every night.

Ancestors, guides, animal helpers and angels speak through images and emotion throughout dream time.

My sister was just visiting from New York. I purchased a Dream Catcher for her that she admired. The Dream Catcher and Dream Pillow are just two tools used in dream work to help enhance and focus dream time.

Since we sleep every night, why not let dream time be a place of magic and possibility?

Ask, and you shall receive.

Try it.

Ask for a dream to come to you tonight to help you with something.

It has been my consistent experience to receive messages through dreams. They don't come like an arithmetic solution, however answers do come.

Find a friend to recount the events of the dream, and soon you be on your way to dream time manifestation.

If you dream it, you are meant to do it. Let your dreams lead you back to your purpose.

Untitled, #144x

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: November 8, 2008; Canon 20D; f/9 @ 15 secs; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 41mm.

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The Absence of Fences

I am afraid of intimacy.

I like the comfort of being in control of my personal world.

When I chance loving another being, I surrender the illusion of being the one who makes things happen.

In marriage we must recognize our own personal fences. The types, styles, colors and purposes of our fences are totally our design.

Well, we did have help in constructing our fences from our parents, family of origin and social constructs. Religions are notorious carpenters as well. So fences are prefab.

All the fences we have constructed are purposeful. They are intended to keep some things in and others out. Their effectiveness may wane, however.

My fences help contain parts of my Self when necessary.

Fences also help me to define where my ten acres begin and end . . .

• Is it possible to live and love in a relationship with the absence of fences?

• Is it reasonable to ask for the happiness felt in a secure relationship to be given without expectations?

• I am playing at being a higher power when I expect and wish for increased intimacy in my marriage?

• Does love ask me to let someone be my priority while I am only their option?

I am seeking a new world without fences. Would I be able to love in a world in the absence of fences? I think I may encounter God there.

Arizona Fence, #7626

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: January 6, 2007; Canon 20D; f/11 @ 1/320 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 400; 61mm.

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Communion

I love people so much that it can physically hurt.

I get so attached to people and animals that I yearn for them.

I still yearn for my beautiful dog, Washo. Washo was pure love, happy, loyal, strong, beautiful and courageous.

He was the best partner I ever had; he never let me down.

When he was killed by a mountain lion in the hills above Ukiah, I let him down: I did not protect him from the bad things that could or would eventually get him.

I felt this way when my older brother Tom died of cancer.

He was 46 years old. His birthday was the day before he died. I felt like if I had been a better sister and if I had loved him harder and more, he would live.

He died of metastatic cancer.

His death was not a reflection of my lack of love or deficiencies as a sister.

When I was young my father would ridicule me for crying when guests would leave our home after a visit. He called me Sarah Bernhardt. I did not know she was a great actress in the silent movies. All I knew was that my father did not like it when I cried my farewells to loved ones.

I fall in love too easily.

I love too long. I am too loyal when it comes to love.

I love people who don't deserve my love. I love my people forever -- even those that have hurt me.

It takes a long time to soothe my broken heart.

Yet, I cannot stop loving people. I have tried.

Love is the only source of pure happiness and freedom. Love is the purest expression of God.

When I am on my knees aching deeply in my broken heart, I realize I am blessed to love. There is no way to love too much. What the world needs now is love sweet love.

There a sweet pure golden nectar of love pouring from my heart into yours. It is a never ending fountain of source energy from the Divine. I must allow it to flow even when I am afraid of being hurt. Stopping the flow would have dire consequences in my life and for the life of my people.

I am a part of the river of the love flowing through all of us. Remove all the dams, and dance with me in the golden nectar of the Divine.

Simpatico, #7285

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: April 14, 2010; Canon 20D; f/16 @ 1/250 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 400; 100mm.

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Let it Be

What I decided when I was growing up is that it takes a lot of energy to be in relationship with others. Sometimes it is overwhelming to be with others. In my family we did not learn how to connect and sustain relationships, even between one another.

As an adult I was thrust into relationship with others. There are many different ways to be in relationship. All of my attempts centered on the false premise that there must be a way to love without risk. Love seemed dichotomous. It was either good or bad.

Energy is neutral. It exists in the light and in the dark. It is cold, hot and warm. Energy is the source of all things; all things are energy.

Synergy between people is a generator of energy. Conflict between people is a detractor of energy.

Taking care of my own personal energy is my job.

I sometimes want others to do this job for me. This is where I get myself into trouble. When I expect, hope or demand others to take care of situations that I alone am responsible for, I am asking too much of the people I love. I am detracting from my relationship with others.

The difference between my own responsibility and others is not always clear. When I ask the Divine for help I am granted "clearer vision." I can see my own responsibilities more clearly. I can let others' situations be.

Still, it takes a lot of energy to be in relationship with other people.

Today I see this energy as vast and abundant. The energy for loving others does not come from me, but rather comes through me from the Divine. Once I recognize and accept this truth, suddenly I am able to be in love with others and take care of myself.

What a relief is to know instead of tuning into FEAR I can tune into LOVE. But I still exercise the muscle to turn the dial.

Cane Energy, #5962

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: December 28, 2009; Canon 20D; f/5.6 @ 1 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 400; 55mm.

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Independence Day

It's what we all strive to be: independent of the people who raised us, and to be able to live independently while searching for the One True Love . . .

Yet, once found isn't it then that we too frequently become dependent, or even the more dastardly, Codependent with the new found lover?

Independence Day celebrates our liberation from the British. The United States broke ranks and created a new form of governance. The revolutionaries' hope was that through rejection of Kingdom's control and laws the new country's people would work collectively to create a genuine, free democracy, displacing an oppressive monarchy.

As individuals, in partnership or not, we must find our own sense of Independence. An enlightened connection to one's Self enables connecting with others. Independence and interdependence are both needed in a healthy society, and are vital to a functioning family system.

Knowing who I am, and what I want, makes it much easier for my partner to know my wants. We free ourselves of the old broken processes of mind reading and need meeting. In my family of origin I needed to know what you needed before you did so I could meet that need immediately. By reading minds and meeting needs I earned my keep -- survived -- in the family system. The price I paid was the loss my sense of Self in this process of constant vigilance.

I cannot truly fully meet others' needs, or even anticipate what their needs may be. I can only focus on myself and be in relationship with myself, so that when I do need something I can understand and ask for help. Knowing who I am -- my strengths, weaknesses, capacities and limitations is true Independence.

By realizing such Independence I am empowered to be a whole partner for my One True Love. The TRUEST Power is that which is found in my heart. It there that is the source of the power to love even when the instinct is to run.

Flag Grab, #8888

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: June 20, 2010; Canon 20D; f/11 @ 1/1001 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 400; 100mm.

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Wading into the healing waters

Big stuff is busting out in our couple's counseling.

My husband and I began undertaking resistance to improve authentic connection in our marriage. The fear of water (being a big powerful source of emotion, creation and destruction) is primal. It is dangerous to misstep around water; one could lose their life. A sudden submersion can create an environment lacking the oxygen essential to remain breathing. Breath provides the energy of Life. Being in fear of losing one's breath can create enough energy to bolster one significantly.

Wading into the healing waters led by a kindly shaman who knows the way, we follow and then may become tired or scared. Then we either get lost in our inner chaos, or we simply fall back into old ways of wandering -- usually blinded by attachment to what we think we must have. Yet blind, faithful wandering can also lead us back to HOME.

The home I remember is discovered traversing the water and flowing into creative connections to self and others.

It is hard enough trying to see and comprehend what I see. I am unable to see for another person with any degree of accuracy. Sometime one must lose one's sight to gain the vision.

Precipice, #8932

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: June 20, 2010; Canon 20D; f/5 @ 1/1603 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 200; 100mm.

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Summer Solstice

On the longest day of sunlight in the year I found myself focusing on some areas in my life that need more light. I deliberately opened the blinds in the room of indifference. I focused on the few items I cleverly put away to avoid.

Funny how avoidance works.

It doesn't.

Avoidance is like running hard on a conveyor belt headed toward that issue I most want to pretend does not exist. There is an old saying, "run towards the roar." My instinct is to run from the roar. But it is a ruse. The old lion roars in the north, while the young female lionesses wait in the tall grass. As I run away from the roar, I am tearing towards my own demise.

Denial is considered an evolved response when the alternative is avoidance. At least with denial, I can pretend I really do not know. With avoidance the knowledge bites at my heels like the hounds of Hades.

In marriage I try to avoid the things I know will cause tension. I know this does not work. Although I continue to pretend that if we simply don't talk about it, "it" will go away. The only thing that will go away is the trust we have worked to build in our relationship. So why do I continue to behave in a manner which always results in eventual tension? Why not be excited to have the conversation that brings us closer together through mutual trust and communication?

Tonight, as the sun sets I am walking towards the roar. Would you care to join me?

Hilo Sunset Ship, #8227

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: August 28, 2007; Canon 20D; f/9 @ 1/160 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 200; 55mm.

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The truth is always easier to remember.

As a child, I would sometimes lie for no reason. I was afraid my father would be mad or disappointed in me, so I would lie to him. I was never very good at lying. I always got caught. But, that never stopped me.

What things in my life do I continue to do even if I am not good at them?

I sing, loud.

I dance, not well, but I love to dance.

I give advice even though my life is not perfect.

I interrupt people because I am so excited to be in the conversation and in the relationship, but they never like or appreciate it, no matter what the reason.

What do you do that you are not very good at?

Are you willing to continue long enough to develop some skill?

What would I do in my life if I knew I could not fail?

I would write bestselling inspirational books that would remain on the New York Times bestseller list for 702 weeks.

I would be a highly sought after international inspirational speaker and teacher focused on helping people unlock their own potential.

I would quit my job and live my dreams.

What would you do?

At the Hop, #7309

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: August 6, 2006; Canon 20D; f/5 @ 1/30 sec; -1/3 EV; ISO 800; 38mm.

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Strategic Destruction

The poet Hafiz wrote, "Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like you to find better living conditions."

I have lived in an opulent castle of fear for the past forty-eight years. I personally handled every detail, piece of furniture and floral arrangements, which were delivered fresh daily.

When I allow love into my heart it's equal to packing up one room at a time in the opulent castle, and sending its contents to storage.

It is the strategic destruction of fear.

Sorting through the hoards of fear provides the possibility of a new living address. I can change my zip code any time I choose by giving up the old and unnecessary in my life. Fear falls into this category.

Creation involves destruction.

Look around and listen.

As I move the boxes out of the castle into my humble new abode, I surrender to the divine. In surrender I am recreated into a trusting woman. Mother Earth continuously creates herself anew. I am invited to join her in this cyclical birth/death/rebirth dance which is ongoing and never ending.

I am always up for a good dance.

Past, Present, Future, #4726

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: September 19, 2009; Canon 20D; f/11 @ 1/400 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 100; 18mm.

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Rite of Passage

My daughter recently graduated from middle school. Her"tribe" gathered to witness this Rite of Passage. Graduation from eighth grade leaves her perched and ready to swoop down from the tall tree of adolescence into young adulthood and high school.

Everything changes when we cross a threshold.

It may be invisible to the rest of the village, tribe or even the world. But within the terrain of the soul we must stop and take stock of what and who we are in this moment. Then, and only then, can we step onto the path of initiation.

As my daughter received her diploma I was acutely aware that a friend sitting to my left had said goodbye to her boyfriend earlier that morning when he was sentenced to eighteen months in jail.

Another threshold.

Another initiation.

As I consciously held the joy and the sorrow of these two events, a raven flew over the procession of graduates, calling out as if to remind those who may have forgotten, "be who you are," for what other choice is there?

Hannah Stepping into a New World, #8660

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: June 11, 2010; Canon 20D; f/8 @ 1/320 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 400; 100mm.

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test post

just a test

Repositioning the Spirit Canoe

There is a river flowing endlessly and each of us have a soul canoe that allows us to ride the river of spirit. We don't have to set goals to get to the destination because the river already knows the way, the way to our own purpose. Each one of us has an individual soul canoe.

Its ours to care for, position in the water and learn the language of the sacred river.

The river flows towards our own True North without fail. We do not have to turn our canoe around to fight the current. There is nothing up river I need. What I need is to release the idea that I am in charge and I know where I am going. I often lose my sense of direction and get confused. When this happens all I have to do is open my heart, mind spirit to the inspiring messages and movement of the sacred spirit river.

Slowly but surely the canoe repositions itself without my EFFORT. It just goes with the flow. And after all the struggle of trying to PUSH my way upstream, I suddenly realize I am flowing on the source of creation towards what I want.

Leaf and Bubbles, #7340

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: April 16, 2010; Canon 20D; f/11 @ 1/250 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 200; 100mm.

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Owl Remembering

A white Owl flew into the windshield of my friend's car as she drove from Kona to Hilo. The white majestic bird of prey flew out of the darkness directly towards the lit up vehicle headed to Mauna Loa - the great living volcano.

As the white owl lay dying, Mauna Loa was creating new life. The Goddess Pele reminds us that she changes everything she touches and everything she touches changes.

So it is with the great mystery and with the circle of life.

Owl speaks to me regularly. She calls in the night, though sometime ominous sounding it is always affirming I live on a dynamic planet spinning magically through space.

The owl's howl calls for change, evokes transformation, and re-members me.

I howl for change. And when the echo reaches my ear I hear the call of the Screech Owl.

AHO!

Kilauea Caldera, Hawaii, #8343

© 2010 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.

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Details: August 31, 2007; Canon 20D; f/8 @ 1/125 sec; ±0 EV; ISO 800; 17mm.

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What If?

What if?

What if I was never born?

What if I never met him?

What if I had studied Marketing instead of Social Work in college?

There really is no way to live life looking in the rear view mirror. When I second guess my past, I am discounting the present moment. Life is happening now. It is not happening is 1976 or in 2024.

My life is right now.

I am exactly where I supposed to be.

Are you?

If you are not where are supposed to be, are you willing to take the necessary steps to get there?

We are all just bozo's on the bus traveling towards bliss or away from pain.

Which is it?

Detour, #5280

© 2010 James W. Murray, All Rights Reserved

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* * * * *

New Beginnings

My father is almost 80 years old, and continues to be hospitalized for falls, infections, high and low blood pressure.  It is very hard to feel so powerless over the health and care of a loved one.  

My parents moved away to the California desert for warmth and retirement about 15 years ago.  They were younger and in fairly good health.  As they have aged, I have felt their distance more profoundly, in my sense of powerlessness to be available to help them on demand.  I have my own family in the Bay Area, and my sisters live in other states.  They too have the pressures and feel the demands of just getting by in today's economy.

It is of deep sadness to me that I cannot be with my father every time he is hospitalized, holding his hand and being the voice of the family to the hospital providers.  My father is shuffled between home, hospital and  nursing home, where he is sent to recover following every hospitalization.  Even when my father was young, robust and active, he was as stubborn as a mule.  He likes to say, "it's my way or the highway, baby!"  And, while I know he meant that in jest, I also had enough sense to take him at his word. 

Tonight, it is not his way. Tonight it is God's way.  I pray tonight my father feels the love of his children in his heart.  I pray that my mother knows she has support even though it is not right
around the corner as I would rather it be.  Tonight, I pray for my sisters, even the one who no longer speaks to me. I pray for their health and comfort.  And, tonight I ask God to comfort my little girl who wishes she could magically fix all the problems in the world and in my life so everyone would be okay.

My father is elderly and I am 47 years old. I am not a child anymore.  Yet, when faced with some of these "grown up" issues I revert back to feeling like a one.  I must call on my adult to be the first foot forward towards support of my parents and family.  My child can come along for the ride but she is not responsible for the causes or conditions of the situation. 

 

Jay and Loretta Book, March 16, 2006, #6984
 

(c)2010 James W. Murray, All Rights Reserved

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